


Smallest Touch to Shatter, Strongest Hold to Heal

by lightsinthefloors



Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Bulimia, Eating, Eating Disorder, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past/Present, Purging, tw:eating disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:22:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24183574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightsinthefloors/pseuds/lightsinthefloors
Summary: The 12 months of Gerard’s eating disorder
Relationships: Gerard Way/Frank Iero
Comments: 10
Kudos: 66





	Smallest Touch to Shatter, Strongest Hold to Heal

**Author's Note:**

> I worked hard on this and it turned out longer than I expected! I hope you enjoy!

January  
January is a time for new beginnings. Gerard wanted to change himself for the better. After reading endless comments about his appearance, he decided it wouldn’t hurt to lose a few pounds. After all, he was on the heavier side, according to the fans and the magazine articles. It started with the portion controlling. His New Years resolution was to not overeat. Besides, when you’re only eating a little, you can have whatever you want. That was the case for a few weeks. 

Gerard was looking in the mirror one morning while Frank showered, pinching and poking at his side. There’s too much of me, he thought forlornly. Gerard guessed that cutting out sugary and fatty foods would help more than simple portion controlling. When Frank ordered pizza that night, he said he wasn’t feeling well, and got out of eating completely. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Frank asked, finally noticing that Gerard hadn’t been eating much at all. 

“I’m fine,” Gerard nodded. “Just don’t have an appetite. It is flu season, you know.”

Frank agreed, knowing how icky a simple virus could make someone feel. That’s why he didn’t question it when he had to go comfort a puking Gerard shortly after dinner the next night. It was a bit odd though; Gerard didn’t have a fever at all. 

February  
Gerard was learning how to be quieter, and more discreet overall. He figured it didn’t matter if he ate with Frank as long as he could throw it up after. He made sure only to do it when Frank couldn’t hear. He would sneak downstairs after Frank had fallen asleep, letting himself get rid of all the calories he’d consumed. Then, he would crawl back into bed as if nothing happened. He slept especially well one night, satisfied once he realized his pants were a bit looser. 

“I want to take you out for Valentine’s Day,” Frank told Gerard a few days later, coming up behind him. 

“How come?” Gerard frowned softly. “We could just stay in. I don’t want you spending your money on something fancy.”

Frank just smiled, hooking his chin over Gerard’s shoulder. “I don’t care. We’re going anyways. I already made reservations.”

Gerard sighed inwardly, knowing there was no way to get out of it now. As he buttoned up his shirt the next night, he reminded himself to just get a salad. If he was good, he didn’t have to throw up. Indulging in any extra calories than necessary meant he would have to. At least until he’d lost the weight he wanted to. He was proud of himself when they got back home, able to stick to just salad. Gerard told Frank he wasn’t very hungry and he bought it, much to Gerard’s relief. He didn’t like making himself throw up that much. It made his throat burn and his stomach churn uncomfortably with residual nausea. Still, it was just what he had to do. One day he would be able to stop. 

March  
Next month was a busy one. There were interviews and photo shoots to be done, everyone knowing they should give the fans something while they were on a break from tour. Gerard was pleased when he realized his pants were too loose for one photo shoot, delightedly pulling his belt tighter. He didn’t see anything wrong with this; he was just getting healthy, and there was nothing wrong with that. 

Frank was starting to notice that Gerard felt thinner when he held onto him. It wasn’t at a dangerous point yet, he just wasn’t as soft anymore. Frank had no problem with the weight Gerard was before, in fact he loved the curves that his own body didn’t have. He never mentioned the weight loss though, not wanting to hurt Gerard’s feelings. Gerard was changing though, and not just physically. He was becoming distant and cold, not liking when Frank touched him anymore. 

One night, they were watching a movie on the couch, Gerard curled up in the opposite corner. There was a bowl of popcorn between them, but Frank had started to notice he was the only one eating from it. 

“Why don’t you have some of this, Gee? I made it for both of us,” Frank offered, tilting the bowl a bit. 

“I’m fine. I’m not hungry,” Gerard lied, keeping his eyes on the screen. Truthfully, he was starving. He hardly ate at meals, and any little amounts he’d consumed were quickly thrown up shortly after a meal. 

Frank frowned, eyebrows furrowing. “I don’t believe you. You’re never hungry anymore. You don’t have to-“

“I said I don’t want any!” Gerard snapped, standing up and throwing the blanket on the couch. “I’m going to bed. Goodnight.”

With that, he had stalked upstairs, heading to the bathroom instead. Gerard dropped to his knees in front of the toilet, shoving his fingers down his throat. There wasn’t any solid food in his stomach to come up, only bile and saliva coming up as he gagged. He did that for a few more minutes, eventually pulling himself up. Gerard brushed his teeth, staring back at his reflection. There were dark circles under his eyes from staying up to puke after Frank fell asleep, and his once full cheeks were starting to hollow. I have a problem, he thought, but I just can’t stop. 

April  
They say spring is a time for new beginnings. The warm weather starts rolling in and the flowers and trees begin to bloom. Gerard’s birthday was coming up, and he knows he should be excited. Rather than the light, happy feeling of spring, it felt like he was trapped in the depths of winter. It felt like the cold November nights when he would have to walk home from work because the bus fare cost too much to use it everyday. Gerard was tired. With all the calories lost from purging and hardly eating at all, it felt like he was constantly walking through some fever dream. Things are getting bad. 

On Gerard’s birthday, Frank baked him a cake. It was vanilla sponge cake with rich, sweet chocolate frosting. Gerard felt incredibly guilty as he sat in the living room, knowing Frank made it from scratch. He shouldn’t even have a piece. It’d be such a waste of hard work since he’d only throw it up anyways. 

Frank came out a few moments later, holding the cake with a candle stuck in the middle. He beamed at Gerard, starting to obnoxiously sing happy birthday. In that moment, things felt almost normal. Gerard let himself smile genuinely, feeling warm and happy inside for the first time in a while. By the time he blew out his candle, he was almost in a dazed happiness, smiling drunkenly. He was snapped out of it however when Frank handed him a big piece of cake, almost making him sick right on the spot. 

“Thank you,” Gerard managed to get out, smiling at Frank. 

“You’re welcome!” Frank chirped. “Eat up, it’s your birthday after all.”

Gerard nodded, taking the plate. He didn’t realize how shaky his hands were until he almost dropped the fork on the floor. He tentatively took a bite, closing his eyes a little. It tasted good. It had been so long since Gerard let himself eat something as sweet and calorie filled as cake. But for the short moments it took him to nearly inhale the cake, he didn’t think about any of that. He ate it quickly, like it was the last meal he’d ever eat. Once Gerard set the plate down though, he almost let out a short gasp. His body was not used to having that much inside of it all at once, let alone something as filling as cake. He felt too full, his stomach already tight and cramping. He couldn’t do this. 

“I- Frank,” he whimpered softly. “I don’t feel good. I ate too much- too fast, both. I think I’m gonna throw up.”

Frank frowned, immediately coming to his side. “Hey, it’s okay,” he whispered, rubbing Gerard’s back. “Take a deep breath. You did eat fast, and it probably just isn’t agreeing with dinner.”

Frank had cooked for Gerard as well, leaving the latter full before dessert even started. With dinner and then cake, Gerard felt like he was going to explode. He couldn’t keep his guard up anymore. He needed to be vulnerable for a second. Gerard clung to Frank, squeezing his arm. He couldn’t help but flinch back when Frank went to rub his stomach, even when it churned and grumbled ominously. 

“I’m gonna throw up,” Gerard sniffled, hiccuping softly. 

Frank rubbed his back, kissing his temple. “You getting worked up is just gonna make it worse,” he murmured, stroking Gerard’s hair. 

Gerard shook his head, clamping a hand over his mouth as he started to gag. Frank quickly helped him up, half carrying him to their bathroom. Gerard started to puke almost immediately, his body totally rejecting the amount of food he’d eaten. He knew it was terrible, but he almost felt relieved, not knowing what he’d do if he kept down all those calories. He threw up until there was nothing left, and then some more. Frank carried him back to bed when he was finally done, bundling him up in the covers. Oh, Frank, Gerard thought sadly, if only you knew how often this happened. He eventually fell asleep, one hand grasping Frank’s. Gerard wasn’t sure how much longer this could go on. At least this time, he had comfort. 

May  
Frank wasn’t stupid. If anything, he was scared. He noticed the way Gerard dropped weight so quickly, and there was only one way that it could’ve happened. He always thought back to the night of Gerard’s birthday, how his body reacted so badly almost immediately, and how he didn’t want Frank anywhere near his belly. Frank knew what was going on, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask. He couldn’t bear to ask Gerard, do you have an eating disorder? Frank definitely wasn’t stupid. If anything, he was oblivious. Because in his mind, every time he did ask Gerard that question, he always smiled and said no. And Frank believed it. 

June  
Summer was on its way. Hotter weather meant t-shirts and shorts rather than the bundled up outfits required in the harsh New Jersey winters. To Gerard, summer was his worst enemy. He couldn’t drown in too big sweatshirts anymore, not if he didn’t want to pass out from heatstroke. He grimaced as he pulled on his shirt, noticing that even the sleeves were too big for his lanky arms. Gerard couldn’t do this anymore. He was so weak and tired. He wanted to stop at this point, but he couldn’t by himself. 

Frank almost cried when he saw how thin and frail Gerard looked. It was like hugging him too tight would cause him to snap like a twig. Frank wished he could do more, but he still couldn’t bring himself to accuse Gerard of anything. If for whatever reason he was wrong, calling Gerard out would create a serious dent in their relationship. But Frank knew he wasn’t wrong. He just had to catch Gerard in the act. 

At dinner one night, Frank watched Gerard like a hawk, making sure he cleared his plate. They weren’t playing this game anymore. This stopped tonight. 

“Why aren’t you eating?” Frank questioned as Gerard pushed his food around his plate. 

Needless to say, Gerard was surprised. Frank never called him out like that before. “I- I’m not hungry...” he trailed off, knowing it wasn’t convincing. He was starving. 

“I think you are. And we’re not leaving until you finish your food,” Frank says firmly. He sets his hand out on the table, open for Gerard to take it if he wants to. “I’m here for you, Gee. I can help you get better.”

Gerard wanted to argue. He wanted to yell and throw things and say he wasn’t a child. But Frank’s hand looked so inviting, his eyes warm and understanding. Gerard knew that Frank knew, and that was enough for him. He nodded softly, reaching out to hold Frank’s hand as he picked up his fork. He wanted to get better, so tired of the pain. 

Frank rubbed circles on the back of Gerard’s hand, frowning softly at how thin his wrist was. “Just eat, Gee. Please,” he whispered. 

Gerard ate his food, every bite feeling like a rock in his stomach. He could hardly handle a normal portion size anymore, let alone keep it down. When he finally finished, the urge to make himself get rid of everything was too strong. He jumped up from the table, sprinting to the bathroom and bringing everything up again. Frank followed him, his heart shattering at the sight of Gerard willingly making himself puke. He sat behind him, yanking Gerard’s hands from his throat and rubbing his back. 

“No more of this,” Frank murmured, holding him tight. “No more, baby. I’m gonna take care of you.”

Gerard just nodded weakly, continuing to get sick for the better part of an hour. Once his gag reflex was triggered, everything just continued to come up until he was all empty, just as he had been for the past few months. But he believed Frank. This would be the last time he purged, and he would get healthy. That’s what Gerard believed. 

July  
Whenever you have one big goal, it is important to set several small ones along the way. That’s what Gerard and Frank did. One goal was that Gerard wouldn’t make himself throw up anymore, and eventually, not throw up after meals at all. Even if it wasn’t on purpose. Another was that he had to eat at least one full meal a day, a few snacks scattered about here and there. Frank couldn’t imagine how hard this was for Gerard. He could see the pain in his eyes, and it broke him. That’s why he was being so lenient. But Frank knew that with every small goal achieved, they were closer to reaching their biggest victory; a healthy Gerard. 

The first few weeks weren’t easy. Gerard couldn’t handle anything heavy, his stomach immediately rejecting the food if it didn’t like what it was. Gerard fought the urge every time to not make himself throw up, but it happened whether he wanted it to or not. He always just curled up with Frank and cried, wanting things to just go back to normal. He hated himself for starting this, never knowing at the time what the consequences could be. He didn’t care about how he looked anymore. Gerard knew for a fact he wasn’t attractive. You could see his ribs and his arms were bony and weak. His cheeks were sunken in and there were dark circles underneath his eyes. Gerard didn’t care about looks anymore. He just wanted to be better. 

Gerard laid with his head in Frank’s lap, absentmindedly watching the tv. He’d skipped breakfast and lunch, so he knew dinner would have to be his one meal. He did try- Gerard knew this couldn’t be easy for Frank, so he wasn’t too reluctant. Still, that didn’t mean he wanted to. Frank stroked his hair, bringing his hand down to cup Gerard’s cheek. 

“Hey, sweetheart. It’s almost six, you need to eat,” Frank murmured, gently tilting Gerard’s chin to look at him. 

Gerard let out a soft whimper, looking up at Frank with pleading eyes, really not wanting it. “Do I have to?” 

Frank sighed, looking down at Gerard. “You know you have to, baby. Just some soup and crackers.”

Gerard frowned, but nodded. He let Frank get up, laying his head down on a pillow instead. He closed his eyes for a little, trying not to think about dinner. Instead he thought about Christmas. They would be curled up under a blanket, watching a movie. Presents would be wrapped underneath the tree to open the next morning. They would be happy. Gerard sighed softly, wrapping his arms around himself. They’ll get there. 

Frank came back with a bowl of soup, mostly broth with some solids in there. A half-full sleeve of crackers was in his other hand, wanting Gerard to at least try. He sat down, gently coaxing Gerard into a sitting position. 

“Come on, Gee. Time for dinner, it’s only soup,” Frank murmured, rubbing his back. 

Gerard nodded, leaning into Frank. He opened his mouth when Frank held up the spoon, humming at the warmth. It tasted good, and it felt good, making him feel cozy and warm on the inside too. Gerard stayed quiet, letting Frank control when he stopped. He could feel his stomach starting to ache a bit, the broth sloshing around uncomfortably as he shifted. But still, he let Frank take the lead, opening his mouth every time the spoon came. 

“Frank,” he whimpered after a few more moments, “I can’t have anymore.”

“Gee...” Frank murmured. “You’re done. You finished. You did so good, baby, lay down.”

Gerard was surprised, really surprised. He didn’t think he could do it. He feels sick, but not like he’s going to throw up right away. He could feel and hear his stomach protesting, not necessarily happy with what it’s been given. Still, his heart wasn’t racing as fast as it normally would. 

Frank rubbed Gerard’s back, one hand tentatively trailing down to his stomach. “Can I touch you here?” He asked calmly, wanting Gerard to be okay with it. 

“Yes please,” Gerard whispered. “It hurts. Help me?”

Frank hushed him gently, feeling so proud. “I’ll help you, baby.” He started to rub Gerard’s tummy, feeling it churn under his palm. “You’re okay. You can keep it down.”

Gerard nodded, listening to Frank’s words. I can keep it down, he thought. And he did. 

August  
The end of summer was filled with small victories. Things like keeping food down and slowly being able to eat heavier things were so important to them both. It went from only eating soup, to salad, to sandwiches, and now Gerard could almost finish a whole plate of pasta. Carbs were still scary to him. In Gerard’s mind, he still shouldn’t be eating anything fattening. But he listened to what Frank said, really wanting to get better. 

It was dinner time, and Gerard was finishing up his soup and salad. Frank had gone easy on him, knowing he actually finished breakfast and lunch too. Frank was so proud of him. When he first found out about the eating disorder, Gerard was completely broken. Now, slowly but surely, he was healing. 

When Gerard finished, Frank couldn’t help but beam, taking Gerard’s hands. “I’m so proud of you, Gee. You ate three full meals today, that’s amazing.”

“I- Frank,” Gerard blushed, shaking his head. “That’s something that normal people do every single day. It’s not special.”

Frank stood up, wrapping his arms around Gerard’s neck. “We all fight our own battles. This is special for you. Just let me be proud for a little bit, okay?”

Gerard smiled softly, leaning back against Frank’s chest. He was right. “Okay.”

September  
As the weather got cooler, Gerard was getting better. As scary as it was to him, he was gaining weight, just like he was supposed to. It was just a little at a time, but things were getting better. It was one night when they were changing for bed that Frank realized he couldn’t see Gerard’s ribcage anymore. His stomach was still flat, a few pale stretch marks from losing the weight so fast, but his bones were no longer prominent. Frank just smiled to himself, not wanting to draw attention to it, but happy nonetheless. He cuddled Gerard a little closer that night, his fingers ghosting over his torso. While Gerard was still slim, Frank could feel some softness. Gerard was getting healthy. He was getting stronger too, no longer feeling faint all the time from not eating. His cheeks were becoming fuller, and his eyes had more sparkle to them. It hasn’t been easy, but they’re doing it. With each other, they can do it. 

October  
Frank’s birthday was coming up, and Gerard really owed it to him after everything. He wanted to do something special. He walked to the store in the brisk October air the day before Frank’s birthday, wanting to bake a cake from scratch. Gerard picked up a few bags of assorted candy too, since it was Halloween and all. He chuckled softly to himself, gazing at it. A few months ago, he would’ve never even thought about eating candy. But now? He might just have a kit-kat when he gets home. 

Frank walked into the kitchen when he got home, grinning softly. “What are you up to?” He hummed, wrapping his arms around Gerard. 

“I’m baking a cake, now get out! You’re not supposed to see,” Gerard giggled, shooing him away. 

Frank beamed, so happy to see Gerard doing something fun. “Okay!” He chirped, kissing his cheek. “I’ll start dinner when you’re done.”

Gerard nodded, smiling softly to himself. He baked the cake and iced it, leaving it in the fridge for the next day. He curled up on the couch with Frank, snuggling close. 

“Your birthday’s tomorrow,” Gerard whispered, kissing Frank’s cheek. 

“I know. I’m getting old,” Frank chuckled. “Not as old as you, of course.”

Gerard playfully smacked his arm, grinning softly. “Oh hush.”

“Yeah, yeah. Even if you’re old, you’re still so beautiful,” Frank murmured, holding Gerard close. “I’m so proud of you, you know. I really am.”

Gerard nodded softly, not wanting to get too emotional. “I- yeah, I know. Thank you. I love you,” he whispered. 

“I love you too,” Frank smiled, rubbing his back. They’d eaten dinner a while ago, now just relaxing together. “Get some rest. I’ll take you to bed if you fall asleep.”

Gerard smiled softly, nuzzling into his chest. He fell asleep soon, feeling totally content. When he woke up the next morning, he was in bed, and he cuddled closer to Frank. Gerard wanted to make his birthday amazing. 

That day, he ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner with no complaints. After he gave Frank his presents (several new records and tons of band shirts), it was time for dessert. Gerard was already feeling full, but as he cut Frank’s piece of cake, he knew he could handle this. He also knew it would make Frank happy, so that’s what he would do. 

Gerard carried the plates into the living room, starting to sing happy birthday to Frank. He sat down when he was done, leaning into Frank. 

“You’re having cake?” Frank asked, unable to hide the surprise in his tone. 

Gerard couldn’t help but laugh, nodding softly. “Yeah,” he grinned. “What’s a birthday without cake?”

Frank beamed at him, kissing his cheek. He thought back to Gerard’s birthday, to how sick he felt after a simple dinner and slice of cake. Now, he can eat three meals a day, with dessert. Frank was so unbelievably proud. 

“I love you, Gee,” Frank whispered, grabbing his chin and kissing him. 

“I love you more. Now eat your cake,” Gerard smiles. 

Frank nodded, digging in to the triple chocolate cake he loved so much. Once they’d found a vegan chocolate that actually tasted good, Frank was sold. Gerard took a bite, closing his eyes with a soft smile. He ate the cake, because it tasted good, and that was all that mattered. 

November  
The months got colder, but Gerard felt warmer inside. His cheeks were rosy not only from the wind chill, but from being overall healthier. His arms and legs were stronger, and his stomach soft (a perfect pillow, according to Frank). He could eat things like pasta and pizza, only the tiniest bit hesitant. And even with that hesitance, he still ate, because he knew that he was bigger than any eating disorder. It had been almost a year since it started; the calorie restriction and making himself sick after meals. He was sick for the first half of the year. But it had also been months since he’d willingly made himself throw up, and months since he wanted to starve. Not only was he now physically healthy, but so much healthier mentally. Gerard overcame his battle. While that doesn’t say that there won’t be more battles, he overcame this one, and now he can do the same for anything else to come. 

December (present day)  
It’s Christmas Eve, and Gerard and Frank are eating dinner on the couch. Cookies are in the oven for later, and a cheesy Hallmark movie is playing in the background on the tv. The Christmas tree has its lights on, shining in the corner with wrapped gifts underneath it. The Christmas scene that Gerard pictured for some hope on his darkest days is here, and it’s better than he imagined it. Him and Frank are both healthy, and that is all that matters. 

“This is perfect,” Gerard murmurs, looking up at Frank. 

He smiles down at him, kissing the top of his head. “It definitely is, babe.”

Gerard nods, smiling softly. He wiggles a little bit underneath the flannel blanket, trying to get more comfortable. Gerard in January would’ve never thought this is where he’d end up. Gerard in January was destroying himself. Today, Gerard is snuggled up to the love of his life, twirling around a bowl of spaghetti. He doesn’t know how many calories it has. He doesn’t care. 

“Eat your food, babe,” Frank murmured, stroking his scalp. 

And he does.

**Author's Note:**

> Comment below which month was your favorite, and anything else you have to say about this!


End file.
